Headlines from a Trump presidency

AMERICAN/CANADIAN WAR ENTERS SECOND YEAR; NO END IN SIGHT

UNEMPLOYMENT RATE HITS RECORD-HIGH 42%

POOR AMERICANS STILL DEFEND TRUMP AS CANNIBALIZATION EPIDEMIC GROWS

MEXICAN PRESIDENT DECLARES: I’LL BUILD WALL AND MAKE AMERICA PAY FOR IT

ERIC TRUMP MAULED BY AFRICAN LION; “I LIKE SONS WHO RETURN FROM SAFARI,” SAYS PREZ

JUSTICES UNSURE WHERE BAIO STANDS ON MOST ISSUES

EXTRA-LONG, MADE-IN-CHINA TIES BECOME NEW FASHION STATEMENT FOR TRUMPSTERS

GOODELL TAPS TRUMP TO HEAD CHEERLEADER SELECTION; “NO FATTIES NEED APPLY,” SAYS TRUMP

TRUMP HOSTS SUMMIT FOR PUTIN, DUTERTE AS AMERICANS REALIZE BAT SIGNAL DOESN’T EXIST

NUDES RETURN TO PLAYBOY ON TRUMP’S INSISTENCE AS FIRST LADY BARES ALL

TRUMP TAPS GARY JOHNSON AS SRYIAN AMBASSADOR; “SURELY YOU’RE NOT SYRIA-US” QUIPS JOHNSON

“I SAID I’D MAKE AMERICA ‘GRATE’ AGAIN,” INSISTS TRUMP; “YOU’VE BEEN MISSPELLING IT”

TRUMP IMPLORES “CHESTY BABES” TO RUN FOR CONGRESS

STATE DINNER TURNS INTO FOOD FIGHT; “THEY STARTED IT, I WON,” DECLARES TRUMP

U.N. DECLARES U.S. PARIAH STATE; “I’M STUNNED,” SAYS NO ONE WHO’S BEEN PAYING ATTENTION