My candidate eats a variety of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains daily. Your candidate has survived for decades on a diet of Milky Ways, Froot Loops, and red gummy bears.
My candidate understands proper dinnertime etiquette. Your candidate is known for drunkenly belching out “The Star-Spangled Banner” before every meal.
A good time for my candidate involves going out to dinner with close friends. Your candidate is still seething that states banned dwarf-tossing.
On cold, snowy days, my candidate parks in the back of the parking lot when shopping, so that the elderly and ill can park as closely to the store as possible. Your candidate not only parks in a handicapped spot, but also takes up most of the space next to the handicapped spot, too, just ‘cause.
My candidate stares in wonder at the genius of Van Gogh, Rembrandt, and Picasso when visiting art museums. Your candidate yells, “Ha! That painting has boobies!” when dragged to a museum.
My candidate can quote Shakespeare from memory, always finding the perfect words to suit the moment. Your candidate screams out the “Laverne and Shirley” theme song at wildly inappropriate times.
My candidate is invariably asked to say a few words at family weddings and never fails to leave the guests laughing, crying, and feeling better about humanity in general. Your candidate is invariably asked to leave family weddings, and security guards are usually involved.
My candidate believes in recycling and makes sure all glass, paper, and plastic get dropped off at the recycling center monthly. Your candidate lives in squalor amidst a sea of Milky Way wrappers and Froot Loops boxes. Honestly, it’s a wonder a camera crew from “Hoarders” hasn’t shown up at your candidate’s doorstep.
My candidate is seeking the presidency in hopes of taking our country to heights never seen or even imagined. Should your candidate prevail, America will almost overnight turn into a cesspool of doom, despair, and darkness, and we, the citizenry, will literally join hands in prayer across our land, begging God to bestow upon us the sweet release of death.
Just to be clear: I will be voting in November 2016 for the Democratic nominee, just as we all will be doing…right?
As far as primary voting is concerned, well, I live in Pennsylvania, our primary isn’t until April 26, and if the outcome still hangs in the balance, then you all can bend my ear and convince me whom I should vote for.