Yep. All our candidates suck.
One of them believed a story about her ethnic heritage told to her by her parents. Unacceptable!
One of them hollers at her staff, like every boss ever. Disgusting.
One of them is a former prosecutor who no doubt did prosecutor-y things. Baffling.
And a few of them are white, straight men. How the fuck is this even a thing in 2019 America?! I mean, for fuck’s sake, why don’t they just wear MAGA hats and shoot off AR-15s at their campaign events?
Sigh.
Kirsten Gillibrand? Used to be kind of Republican-y. Claims her positions have evolved. Pfft! Can you even believe such a thing, Markos? Of course not. That’s ridiculous.
John Hickenlooper and Pete Buttigieg. Their names are silly! I mean, it’s not like we’ve ever had presidents named Millard. Or Barack. (We’ve had two presidents named Franklin yet none named David. How have we never had a president named David? I know, like, 314 Davids.)
Cory Booker? He doesn’t pass our progressive tests! He’s corporate-y! Boo! Yeah, who’d want a Rhodes Scholar as president? It’s just not relatable.
Ain’t one of ‘em worth a damn, right?
So, if someone you know is absolute perfection and checks off 100% of all our factions’ boxes 100% of the time, I implore you to encourage that person to seek our party’s nomination.
If you don’t, I’ll have no other option but to vote for Gary Johnson, because I hear he put down his bong long enough to finally understand what an Aleppo is.